Jokes & Funny Stuff Coupla Guys Foods

If you have some jokes or funny stuff that you'd like to send us, do it.
We'll post 'em right here.

GREAT SIGNS:
On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
*
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is: Expensive."

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a Propane Filling Station,
"Tank heaven for little grills."

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

GREAT TRUTHS

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

·    No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
·    When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
·    If your sister hits you, don't hit her back.
·    They always catch the second person.
·    Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
·    You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
·    Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
·    Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
·    You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
·    Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
·    The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED

·    Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
·    Wrinkles don't hurt.
·    Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
·    Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
·    Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
·    Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the joy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

·    Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
·    Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
·    When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
·    You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
·    It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
·    Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
·    Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE

·    You believe in Santa Claus.
·    You don't believe in Santa Claus.
·    You are Santa Claus.
·    You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS

·    At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.
·    At age 12 success is having friends.
·    At age 16 success is having a drivers license.
·    At age 20 success is having sex.
·    At age 35 success is having money.
·    At age 50 success is having money.
·    At age 60 success is having sex.
·    At age 70 success is having a drivers license.
·    At age 75 success is having friends.
·    At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants

TRUE STORIES FROM QUANTAS AIRLINES:
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots, and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

Pilot Report: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.

Solution Recorded: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

Pilot Report: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

Solution Recorded: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilot Report: Something loose in cockpit.

Solution Recorded: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilot Report: Dead bugs on windshield.

Solution Recorded: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilot Report: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

Solution Recorded: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilot Report: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

Solution Recorded: Evidence removed.

Pilot Report: DME volume unbelievably loud.

Solution Recorded: DME volume set to more believable level.

Pilot Report: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

Solution Recorded: That's what they're there for.

Pilot Report: IFF inoperative.

Solution Recorded: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Pilot Report: Suspected crack in windshield.

Solution Recorded: Suspect you're right.

Pilot Report: Number 3 engine missing.

Solution Recorded: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilot Report: Aircraft handles funny.

Solution Recorded: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilot Report: Target radar hums.

Solution Recorded: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilot Report: Mouse in cockpit.

Solution Recorded: Cat installed.

Pilot Report: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

Solution Recorded: Took hammer away from midget.

True Snappy Answer Stories:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." He figures he can make it, but he’s wrong. He gets stuck under the bridge, and cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

A true courtroom story:

     In a trial, in a small SC town, a prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand— a proper, well-dressed grandmother type, well spoken and poised. She was sworn in and asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help her God.
     She says, "I do."
     The prosecutor approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
     She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the sense to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper-pushing shyster. Yes, I know you quite well."
     The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even think for a few moments. Then, as he regained his composure, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?
     She replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, big-mouthed, and has a bad drinking problem. The man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."
     The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward in
his chair, looking at the floor. Laughter and gasps thundered through the courtroom.
     At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both
counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you crooked bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be thrown in jail for contempt. Is that clear?"

True stories are sometimes better than jokes. Here are few:

Boeing Employees of the Month:

Early this year, some Boeing employees decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747 jets they were working on.

When they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A true story from San Francisco:

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked to the center island in the bank and wrote on the back of a deposit slip, "this is a stick-up. Put all your muny in this bag".

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller.

She read it and, figuring that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stick-up note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later as he waited in line back at Bank of America.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Traffic Ticket:

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. Several days later he opened his mail and found a traffic ticket for $40, along with a photo of his car going through the speed trap.

Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.

A week later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture -- this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.

(An award should go to the police for having a sense of humor.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~-

Idiot Criminal #2

A guy walked into a corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter. He told the cashier to put the scotch in the bag as well.

But the cashier refused and said, "I can't because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give him the liquor.

At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.

The cashier called the police and gave the name and address of the robber. He was arrested two hours later.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Criminals #3

A pair of robbers in Michigan entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.

The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"

When his partner moved, the first bandit shot him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Criminal #4

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A. M.

He flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk explained that he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast.

Frustrated, the guy walked away.